my sinus headache is killing me, i am tired and it freaking snowed lasted night.
i am being punished, i am consumed with guilt, i told a giant lie on film yesterday. and i told the lie because i was ashamed and it just slipped out before i could think.
you just watch...there is seven hours of real truth to edit down to a few brief minutes of story and that freaking lie will make it thru all the cutting and editing right to the final product that everyone sees.
i could just kill myself.
everyone lies sometimes...even me, it is a self protecting thing.
so this is how the lie went...i am sitting on my bed with a bunch of dogs...the camera is a foot away from my face and the reporter is astonished that 7 dogs are sleeping on my bed at night (ok so i know it is nutz)...we are talking about incontinence and pooping/peeing animals which is not nice to live with (and i know this is nutz too)...i am beginning to panic as i feel "crazy" closing in and out of the corner of my eye i see copper, the little bastard...walk into my room, squat 2 feet away from us in plain view and take a poop. (in my head i am screaming....oh my freaking god copper...i am going to kill you!)
the reporter leans closer to pet angel who is cuddled up to my side and he peers close at her and asks...."what's that on her nose?" and out flew that freaking lie.
i look away, i can't make eye (or camera) contact and i mumble something about maybe cancer/maybe biospy..shit i am not even sure what freaking bullshit i said.
its RINGWORM...why didn't i just say it...or why didn't i just say, its a lesion or a fungal infection or something non specific but still totally true????
because i am a freaking weak and spineless cowardly liar who is obviously ashamed because a dog in my care got something gross like ringworm and STILL sleeps on my bed.
in my head i know she has ringworm because she is diabetic and i let the forgotten feline ringworm cats get in our door and bring it in here...and there is not much i can do about that except deal with it til we finally wipe it out. and i wouldn't not take those cats in again knowing it would probably affect some of the immuno compromised because...ringworm is just not a big deal.
UNLESS you actually have to say the word while looking like a nut case on national tv.
i so suck and someone please shoot me and put me out of my misery.