i get up this morning, clean up after the animals, poke the diabetics and load lucy up in the van. there is no rush for her vet check, but with star's passing..i want colleen to meet lucy in hopes a bond will occur...lucy is a perfect dog who has been in at least 4 different homes...i now want the perfect home for her and star's death left a big hole in a perfect home.
there is no time for grieving in rescue...each death opens a spot for another and to me the best gift you can give to the fallen is to give the same gift of love and care to someone else.
then i rushed home and started on the emails...i got them all done with a few stops to check on betsy and apollo, to run some errands, to talk on the phone with the various vets a few times. both clinics involved with betsy know i am really struggling with guilt over the feeding tube...should i have done it or should i not have done it, should i let her go now or should i wait a bit longer????
it is just a vicious circle of guilt for me. they have all been kind and supportive. they have told me it is ok to wait until monday to decide. i took betsy down for a tube site dressing change and sarah said she looked marginally better than she did last week. laurie-dawn called and told me to switch her meds tonight again. so i needed to get that all set up for her bedtime feed.
in the meantime, apollo has been having another bad diabetic day...laurie-dawn got his bloodwork back..on top of it all, he has pancreatitis so we have to switch his diet, change his meds and lower his insulin dose again.
i go back to my paper crap day and a bunch of dogs are all peacefully hanging out with me in the office and mp room til kiwi the puppy comes in and pisses off lucky who pisses off jesse which pisses off lucky enough to bite jess but she's blind so she bit renee in the leg instead.
i told renee to put ice on it and take that puppy back to the house. there went the peace and quiet.
i make a run down to the accountants and they very kindly told me, my personal income tax was holding the saints year end up. they have to figure out how much of my money went into saints, and issue a tax receipt before they can finish the saints stuff...i promised them the rest of my stuff tomorrow.
so i ran home to get that stuff ready...shit..the paperwork i needed was at my desk in my office at work in maple ridge...i forgot it there yesterday. so i drove 30 minutes into town to get the stuff off my desk and turned around and came home again.
i got back to saints and started organizing out everything and i heard that sound that makes my blood run cold. it was the sound of an animal dying. betsy was laying in a pool of vomit under her karunda bed by the fire. i called one vet, she couldn't come, i called another and she could meet me at the clinic. she ok'd an injectible pain med so betsy would not suffer when moving her around. i gave her the med and waited 15 minutes til she was relaxed and at ease. i put her into the carrier and into the car and started back down the hill to the clinic.
i was crying cuz i had so badly fucked up all of the decisions, i should have just let betsy go last week. i was praying that maybe i was over reacting and the vomitting itself has just laid her low and she might recover in a few minutes and we should maybe feed her less and more slowly and then she would be ok. and please, please betsy, don't die...don't make me carry this guilt for the rest of my life.
betsy died before i reached the clinic. i took her out of the carrier and sat crying in the car with her in my arms while i waited for the vet to arrive. i gave her betsy's body, i said just a group cremation, i told betsy i was so sorry and i came home again.
and that is how a day in rescue goes.
rest finally in peace betsy, i am so very sorry.