on days like today it is just so overwhelming that i feel shell shocked by the sadness here...i have been reading the comments and crying...thank you all so much for not only caring so deeply for them but for including them in this world.
so many die unknown, unloved..unrecognized for who they were....this was not the fate of the little miracle boston and mr. stiffy the dolt...lot's of people knew them and cared about them too.
after i dropped off their bodies at the vets for their final group cremation...i went for a drive in the country and thought about asia, and butch and tony and what i try to do here too.
it doesn't always work out...it is hard to decide if this is a bump in their road that they will overcome, or is a harbringer that death can no longer be outrun. it almost feels like a guessing game, or a game of chance...will we find another miracle or have all the miracles finally run out.
so i drove out into the valley..only as far as deroche cuz i still had to get back and give all of the morning insulins and i just let the whole past 72 hours soak in and out of my skin. i didn't come to any conclusions..except when i drove past sarah and tawnie's old home, i remembered sarah's skin tearing from the weights of the matts and tawnie"s torment with her bad skin. and i saw in my mind the last picture i got of both of them asleep on the bed. they looked at peace and so comfortable.
all of the shit that goes down in rescue...the posturing, the politicking, the pushing and shoving to look like the best there is.....there is no best in rescue...there can't be. it all is just too freaking grim.
did you know that tony arrived here on feb 20 2009...why does it seem like he was always here? butch has only been here a couple of weeks, isn't that really weird?...i can't remember saints without them.
i think it is because for us, this is all about them...we invite them in and they take over our world. you can't just give your world to share and let someone fill it so full and then remember a time without them. there is never a time without them...not even after they go away.
rest in peace butch and tony..you were loved by many and will always be part of saints.