still blathering here..feel free to skip this, still on my mission to figure things out.

so i am thinking today as i putter about...what do i really believe in? as a preachers kid, i come from a religous background but as a natural born rebel, i just couldn't accept the whole god in heaven concept. there were too many holes, too many vague things, it required too much blind faith and the whole, "lord, i am a sinner, please forgive me"..just made me feel like a spineless begger.

so all of my life i have thought about this and what i really believe and i still can't figure it out BUT, here is something interesting....

every time i am scared out of my gourd, that someone i love is about to be lost...the first thing i do is start wailing to god to please, please step in and do something. i did it when daphne 2 went missing, i did it when spritely has been at the end of her road, i did it when my kids were in deep trouble...i do it whenever i am totally helpless and lost.

and pretty much if he is really there...he has almost always come thru.

and here is something else that goes with it...i do for some reason, believe in Judgement Day, where we stand before someone and are presented with everything we did, every single day. now maybe that someone is god, or maybe it is just myself, but someone is going to expect accountability for everything i did when i finally end my life.

sooooo...the point of all of this is...duke, emmit, bear, angel, clyde and watson. dogs that over my years in rescue, i knowingly killed, knowing it was wrong to take their lives, but doing it because for the safety of themselves and others it happened to be right.

how do you do wrong things while doing the same thing right? this is the part i am struggling with cuz what will it mean to me on Judgement Day? i don't mean will it mean eternal heaven or hell...i mean what will be that final, real and absolute truth epiphany that blows me up inside?

this is what worries me when i think of my life...how much of it did i get wrong and how much of it did get right.

i would make such a good guilt ridden roman catholic...too bad i was born anglican.

on a totally different subject...something else i am trying to figure out. i got a call from the surrey spca today, and an email last week from abbotsford spca that they will no longer be able to send us animals because the word has come down the pike...saints is not on the "approved list" and until they are, quit sending them animals.

now many of the staff from many of the shelters have been here, including managers and even cruelty officers...they have all had the tour and were pretty impressed but without me filling out that bloody application, it matters for naught.

so why don't i fill out that application? mostly because i do not want all the calls. i know how many seniors are in the shelters province wide and i can't help them all....plus i do have a problem with saying no.

AND in all honesty...part of me is stubborn, i don't want to fill out an application asking for someone elses approval..it is that rebel thing..it smacks of that whole awkard for me religous thing...seeking approval from god (or the spca) when really i want to approve of myself which i don't think is as easy as impressing someone else. i don't think i will ever think i am good enough for anything.

any way..i am trying to figure out if i should fill out that application to give some animals more options or if i should trust my gut which really does not want to? i just don't know...geez i hate beaurocratic paper crap.

anyway. saintly news...

banjo did well with her surgery, tomorrow she goes home forever with laura and lana.

jesse also did well with his surgery...no field runs til his sutures are out in 12 more days.

apollo did not do so well on his blood sugar curves...still in the mid to high 20's. they sent off another test for cushings to see if that is why his diabetes cannot be controlled.

contrary to what lynne believes, copper (who i am babysitting) is an utter jerk. last night he was insisting on licking banjo's incision and i gave him heck. in return he gave me the proverbial beagle "F. U." finger. he hopped up on my bed and while i watched, he lifted his leg and peed right up by my pillows. laura saw him do it too, it was totally deliberate.....sigh...he is such a little creep sometimes...i have no idea why i have always loved him.

i wonder if copper will ever get his Judgement Day? he doesn't seem the least bit worried.