i had such a tension headache last night
Carol · Aug. 26, 2009
those muscles that attach to the base of my skull were so freaking sore and tight, i could barely move my neck. and what am i so stressed about?..oh yay, just let me list the freaking things..there is endora's life crises, there is lame ducks, where to safely put baby ducks/geese, there is the escalating hostilities in th the past few days in the mp room between dusty and lucky, there are the very slow ticket sales to our last major event of the season that has to keep this place afloat til the xmas donations come in. there is the upcoming legal battle over the wellbeing of jerry and the rest of his life responsibility which sits squarely on my shoulders alone, there are the emails that hurt from kind hearted people, (without a clue about soft hearted but maxed out rescuers) desperately seeking help before 60 PNE pigs go to slaughter...i can't even answer that one..there is no advice i can offer... absolutely nothing i or anyone in this day of reality can do.
there is the ongoing and continuous worry of gideon and spritey, the puzzle of apollo, the happiness of frodo as he gets shifted from building to building.
there is one of the dogs in the big dog room/my bedroom with a massive amount of blood in their stool that none of us humans have seen coming out of anyone..and so far, i cannot figure out which dog is in really big trouble. tonight i will have to slowly, each night, start breaking up the group....each set to one room and then start pulling them out one by one til i narrow it down. the ones blocked off from my bedroom are going to have a meltdown but i have to sort thru more than a dozen dogs to find out who is seriously ill..cuz outwardly they all currently look healthy and happy for ancient and wrecked dogs....i hate trying to figure out which dog is hiding what health issue from me.
there are staffing issues and workload issues and vet bills, utility bills piling up. and the ever present problem with water which my last solution for, made no difference at all.
and there are all of the backloads of stressers, already dealt with but whose daily accumulative effects, day after day, year after year just wear away at you. i don't even like looking in the mirror anymore..i look haggard and old cuz i go to sleep with worry and i wake up worrying some more. have i said lately that rescue sometimes sucks?
and always there is this burning question in my mind that i never seem to get answered but really, really bugs me...is life an even playing field? can you lie and cheat and steal, can you willingly cause others pain and trouble to fulfil your own selfish needs and in the end, just get off scott free?
i want to know there is a reckoning day. maybe i will have my own reckoning to do too, but i so want some kind of eye opening consequences for those who actively and intentionally make this world hurtful and uncaring for the victims of whatever kind of endless greed.
and it bugs me that i am so petty..cuz other folks souls eternally, dirty or not, really are not my business, all i should be worrying about is keeping myself as clean as i can.