do i have doubts in my service to these guys?
Carol · Nov. 4, 2009
more than i can count.
i don't doubt my committment to them nor their ability to find the goodness here.
but i doubt most everything else. and i doubt still much within myself.
like..am i good enough for them?
saints is a paradox for me...i have lost so much here and gained even more.
i am proud of saints and what we do..however...under no circumstances what so ever, do i want any of my children picking up this torch and following in my foot steps. i love them far to much for them to have to live thru this.
and it is my children that are the one thing saints has never really messed up for me.
i have won and lost more friends than i can ever count.
i have won and lost faith and confidence in myself.
i have believed in and been betrayed by myself and others time and time again.
i think if i had no doubts in this, if i so totally believed with all of my heart..i would want one of my kids to carry on this legacy..but i think i have protected them well enough by watching me that they will not.
and i will tell you why saints is such a paradox.... these gates here that are meant to protect the animals and give them something special and unique..love, acceptence and value..only protects them because i let the crap of life flow over top of me.
somedays it drowns me..some days i can't breathe..somedays my guts wail in protest at all this has cost me.
i never want to hear the silent wail of one of my kids feeling alone, abandoned and drowning in a place built for respect and caring that needs the gatekeeper to stand in the darkness of doubt so the animals can have light.
i have doubts in everything...except...
these animals. in them i have total committment and faith.