do you know why i love all of these guys...even the pains in the ass like phoebe, reggie, 4lane and kodi?
because i worry about them. i worry if they are happy. i worry if they are sick. i worry when i see them growing old and frail before my eyes. i worry when they are new and they feel lost and afraid. i worry when they are causing trouble for themselves and for others....i pretty much am worried about a bunch of someones all the freaking time.
max i fell in love with because he had such a very hard time for that first long week...he is good now (touch wood)....tonight he was even sneaking up a few moves at a time until he was tight up against me for his own max time cuddle. and today i am worried about mandy who was doing great and i was so proud of her that she could handle the change so well...and now she can't walk straight...it is like i blink an eye and something else on these two sweet little old dogs, just breaks. AND..... did she get enough to eat today, did she get enough to drink..is she afraid cuz her world is now tilted...should i make her stay in the pen even tho she is happier wandering around? i love mandy already too...she is such a strong little tilted girl...she knows what she wants and she is going to go get it..even if she does walk a crooked line.
tonight i was laying on the floor with mandy and maude came to snuggle with me...and i saw how old she is now...i saw the almost but not quite yet vacant look in her eyes...maude is just barely hanging onto some close kind of reality because she is just crazy enough to keep trying. and god, i started to worry about maude, how much time does she have left...will her mind snap at some point so she has no connection to her world anymore? or will it be sudden like a stroke or a heart attack...in what way will maude end up hurting me when she is ready to leave?
and then lucas hobbled up from his bed and came over to lick my face since it was conveniently in reach on the floor. geez, his legs are stiff and sore tonight and his breathing is really fast. i see rose is losing weight again...maple the bunny is looking too thin too. and i just noticed that petunia is losing a lot of weight lately, plus she again has vaginal bleeding so none of that is good news.
so i think it is worry that not only makes me love them in the first place, but keeps reminding me how much i love them every day.
and now i better go check the bedroom guys including the wobble headed one and that cattledog who keeps biting me by mistake....and frail little felix is just waiting for his one morning not to wake up in my arms.
worry is not such a bad thing i suppose if it really means loving....but sometimes i wonder..do i even know how to love without worry any more?...i am not sure that i do.