i decided to euthanize archie today. he was spiralling into almost continuous seizure activity and he was not fully recovering inbetween. this became a moral issue for me, our sweet little archie was 18 years old. we finally after months of trying got his skin issues under control. we removed all of his diseased and rotten teeth and left him few to chew with. we had done everything humanly possible to help him find some comfort in his old age.
i don't know what caused the seizures..i think the ivermectin was a good possiblity even if it started long after what the research says it should and did not disappear with stopping the drug. i don't think anyone has done any real research on the neurological toxic affects of ivermectin on 10 pound 18 year old dogs...mostly because 18 year olds are not alive to develop demodex in that ancient part of their lives.
2 of our vets who saw him voted for a brain lesion, and the two visiting from a emergency clinic yesterday said maybe meningitis or encephalitis (sarah who put him down today said it looked like a brain lesion the way he was acting, but it could have been a hepatic encephalitis too given his age....(ie seizure activity as a part of end stage liver disease)
the only way to know for sure was to do an autopsy...bottom line, we cannot afford it and knowing would make no difference because none of the above were fixable or treatable either in an 18 yr old currently suffering dog, the decison to let him go had to be made.
archie's death has totally bummed me out on so many different levels. first and foremost because i really did care deeply for him and i am going to miss him.
it is also bumming me out because now i am questioning...what is the point? you can fix 10 things on these old broken bodies and then something else critically important just totally craps out.
i don't even know why we struggle anymore..why i make myself sick worrying about how to pay for what it takes to provide them with proper care. mo and i figured it out today...we made just over $10,000 at the fundraiser...we owed $17,000 in vet care.
of that $10,000...$2000 went to caspar's emergency care, $7000 went to only one of our vets (and that only paid half of the current/updated bill) and $1000 paid for barn feed, supplies and special diets. in the past 2 weeks we have spent another $5000 over and above that original vet cost.
the vet bills don't stop, the hydro/electric bills don't stop, the costs of insurence and staff wages do not stop, the feed bills and cleaning supply costs do not stop...it just all rolls together into this ever increasing snowball of money that has to be paid to someone somehow.
why am i killing myself to try to make it all work out if they are all going to die anyway no matter what we do to save them..no matter if we do find the right answer for today's problem, tomorrow's is just waiting to mess it all up again.
oh archie..i don't regret having you here and trying to make you feel better. i just am not sure anymore if it would have made that much difference to you if you only lived 17 and not 18 years.
i am accountable for the decisions i make, but how can i ever know if i really make the right ones?
love you archie, rest in peace, the difficulties in life, stay here with the living and i am glad that you are now free.