the loss of tyra is something i am going to have to find a way to live with. it is all mixed up in my head because on saturday night i freaked her out and on monday or tuesday she started the stroking thing. i do believe the one led to the other and there is nothing that i can ever do to go back and change this.
as i go back over all of the.."i should have..." of the life of this incredible dog that i did deeply love, i find myself questioning not just the last week but many years of how my life choices robbed her of maybe the life she deserved.
tyra was happy..but her happiness came from that light that always glowed within her more than it came from being with me. i know that in many ways saints gave her that happiness...once i moved her out of a city bound life, much of her frustration and attention seeking issues began to balance out.
in a family home, tyra was pushy and in your face and constantly pissing someone off with her excitability. her enthusiasm would rip the flesh off you somewhere as her giant feet and bear like claws tore thru sensitive human skin. she was just so joyfully full inside herself that she ended up drawing blood. she never jumped up on me, she just did it to everyone else.
with the move to saints she still whapped people here with her paws or poked them in the face with her giant durante nose tho whenever she tried to say her happy hello..that was just tyra..she did not have a clue about manners or personal space..she was simply a happy oaf with dangerous feet.
i personally really liked that about her..her in your face enthusiasm, i thought was beautiful. but i did have to call her off folks frequently so they could spend uninjured time with the other saints animals. not many could handle the greeting train of tyra for more than a few moments of time. and i liked her stealing the cat food bowls..it was her house, if she could find them and get them, well good for her.
not many folks know that tyra was an advanced level obedience dog...she was fully off leash and hand signal trained....she was a pain the ass and so out of control that we trained together in her youth for 2 full years. she hated it...and because of it..she hated collars, leashes and cars, she saw these tools as controlling devices to keep a lid on her exuberance...and she was absolutely right about that too. as soon as the collar and leash came out..down went the ears and she became a good and well mannered girl.
when i opened saints tyra's collar and leash got tossed away into a pile of other collars and leashes that rarely got used. i liken her to a wild mustang, and she needed to feel free.
she loved the fields and the open spaces for running. she never ran softly or quietly...she pounded her feet into the ground and literally thundered along..there was no softness or gentleness in the way that she moved. she loved three things in her life...the water, her soccor balls and ripping the shit out of stuffies in three seconds or less.
both of the first and this saints property had her very own pond....and she used them well...her coat was always a freaking mess because she always perpetually wet.
so i get these real gifts that tyra had in her life...she had a physical environment that was just want she wanted. she had a mom who understood her need to be a living life maniac and was totally ok with it.
but she did have to accept hundreds of incoming and outgoing of dogs in her life. she did have to share the love and the time of one over worked and tired individual for her almost every day of her life. i would periodically wonder if she even knew anymore that she was somehow special and different for me than the other dogs....these past 5 years have been beyond insane in the acceptence and adjustments to others that both she and i had to make.
god..phoebe's obnoxious "big sister, little sister" obsession alone for the past 5 years must have driven her totally insane.
at night when it was quiet and all of the work done...i would have to make myself remember to go find her and touch her or call her up onto the couch for a bit of one on one i love you...and i did not always remember to do that either.
and now i do remember how many times i forgot.
if there is a lesson to be learned here that i wish i did not have to learn..it is this....never take love for granted, never take those special relationships and let the difficulties in living bury them deep. you won't always be able to dig them up and find them again when you really need.
so with the death of this amazing dog who i have loved more than any dog ever before..i am so full of regrets and what i have lost. and for tyra-jane, the dog that i loved...i promise..i will learn and be better, i just wish she was here to share it.
rest in peace tyra-jane, you were a very good friend to me.