can't sleep...

too much on my mind tonight that i can't turn off..maybe if i write about some of it, it will help work it out of my head.

petunia is scaring me. i am not sure if that cancer we have suspected inside of her for the past couple of years, is finally becoming a reality...her intermittent vaginal bleeding is getting more frequent, and now the masses in her rectum suggest a cancer that is spreading. i just went and braved the freaking rats in the dark and checked her because i could not get her out of my head. she did eat most of her dinner, there are just a couple of strawberries left...she is peacefully sleeping, and she did hear me when i spoke to her but something about her is still filling me with deep dread.

and as usual, i am so worried about the continual struggle to pay all the bills..i don't know why it is bothering more this year but it is. i think i must be getting tired of always worrying about it tho...cuz i find myself sick inside almost every day and losing faith that all will be well.

now when a new animal comes in, my mind immediately starts counting and ringing up the vet costs inside my head, and i don't want to think about money when i am thinking of them.

it sucks because i know it is wrong, they know and care nothing about money, and my knowing about it for them it is not supposed to affect my decisions for them, but now it is.

and as always i am totally discouraged about the stupid and annoying energy sucking things that just keeps popping its different shaped heads up, day after day...shit...year after year after year after year.

sometimes i just want to bang on whoever is in charge's door, and say look here buddy, quit making it so freaking hard to help these animals....if you aren't going to help us, at least quit sending all of the difficulties our way.

and i turned away an old 14 yr old dog today with rotten teeth. we don't have space, and we don't have money, he will not make it to the adoption lists and i said no to him here... there doesn't appear to be many options left available to him and i feel so shitty about not letting him in.

and the biggest issue is...i said when i opened saints, i would never let it get bigger than me and i did. i let them all in here, over and over again until their ranks past and present swelled to almost 500 living, sometimes dying, but breathing, feeling, thinking beings that i have carried the responsibility for.

and no one, except me, knows what that really truly means...it means every mistake, every single one...rolls around in my head on the bad nights and makes me fear tomorrow's potential errors and not be able to sleep.

i don't have the luxury to hide from myself or my limitations any more...i gave up that right when i let the first animal come in thru my door.

and because of that accumulating burden of responsibility...i so have lost any patience with useless and pointless life fuck-arounds..you know that trivial stuff that really means nothing but still manages to muddy the waters and sludges up the rescue pond. it just seems so unimportant.

and i know that it is that lack of patience that will eventually do me in and i don't know how to get that patience and acceptence that this too is part of rescue, back again...i used to have more of it..now i just don't care anymore. my answer to life crap is "whatever" or "i will figure it out later"...just please get out of my way for now... i am worried about something more.

maybe i am splitting myself in too many important ways...my career, my family, my rescue work....but the only ones i could ever even think of letting go of is either being a nurse or a rescuer.

and i don't want to have to choose between those two yet.

anyway, thx for listening...i better try to get some sleep because i do have to work in the morning...tunie please don't be dying..not yet, i am not ready. and whatever your name is that i said no to today, i am really and truly sorry.