breaking out of no mans land...(or finding my power again)
Carol · Jul. 30, 2010
ok..i did not actually get to the cleaning cuz i got distracted by a knee high jungle of out of control bamboo taking over the gravel paths...no wonder that stuff is considered a renewable resource...it's mutant growth rate is totally insane.
there are a whole bunch of very large rats showing up around the chicken coops again..i am not sure if they are brand new ones moving in or if they are old rats that were in hiding for awhile.
in any case.... sorry guys...you better move on....i was counting you tonight and there are too many again.
frodo is so happy to be able to toddle around in the shop...he hung around while i scrubbed the stairs but that was all i had time to do before it was time to put the mp guys to bed.
barn bedtime takes about an hour (if the goats are bad..it takes even more)..the mp building takes another half hour, the feeding and meds and house diabetics round it up to an even 2 hours to get every one settled for bed for the night.
i do have to change my bed today and i really want a hot bath..there is only a couple of loads of laundry left from today so that at least is good.
i was pretty upset last night and could not turn off my head so i did not fall asleep until almost 3 and then the alarm went off at 6.
BUT...while i should feel exhausted, i actually feel pretty good and this is because i feel hopeful again.
rescue is funny because 99% of people will tell you i am a control freak (and i so am about certain things...(but not everything)...only the stuff that affects the animals.)
but what 99% of people do not really know is...in rescue, you are the most powerless one of all. this is because every moment of your day..every fibre of your being is well beyond your own control. you are put here to act and react according to the actions or inactions of others and you get absolutely no say in how you would like that to go.
so you put out the fires that other thoughtlessly set, you fix up the mistakes that sometimes they don't even know that they made, you deal with the fallout that lands on your head because of the decisons that other folks make.
and here is something you probably don't know either...quite often i find myself tapping my foot...wishing folks would just get on with what i see coming so i can get in there and clean it up and move on.
it is like standing around and watching molly start to circle..i know damn well she is going to poop but could she quit farting around and just get a move on it.
i am not saying this is a nice thing about me..this impatience for people to hurry up and finish with their mess making so i can get my part done...but it is a reality.
because here is another truth in rescue....rescue is an endless series of re-runs, over and over again...same shit, maybe a differently configured pile...but after all, poop is poop no matter how it's stacked or how it looks.
now i know molly gets kind of excited about pooping and generally likes to take her time to make it a little bit special..but i have just seen it too many times to do more than just quickly whip in the second she's done with a mop and a roll of paper towels.
so when i am on hold, helpless and powerless while the actual pooping is occurring, i feel like i am in a vacuum, wasting time. i can spring into action once the pooping is done. and once i can spring into action and toss that poop in a garbage bag and wash the floor again...i feel better because honestly both the animals and i are happier and healthier when the poop goes away.
does this make any sense or was this a shitty analogy?
i don't know how to explain it better than that, except to say..i appreciate those who poop quickly..it is the long, drawn out affairs that drive me insane.
i never said i was a nice person..but i am a good person, just chronically impatient to get the heck out of no mans land...i freaking hate it there...i bet that is what hell is like.