the worry warts...

these are not warts that worry (like me)...these are warts that cause me to worry.

if it wasn't a long weekend..i would try i think to keep tula with me for a few more days. but it a long weekend and she and i cannot take the risk so this morning will be the last time that each of us gets to say good morning and i love you...it sucks.

molly has what i think is a fungating tumour on her back leg. it so reminds me of a smaller version of dexter's giant tumour and i don't know what i should do about it if anything. 19 yr old dogs are a worry cuz if they are well in most every way, you just don't want to screw with that so what do you do?

larry is upsetting me lately...he is physically and mentally and emotionally well. he seems happy whenever i go looking for him and even when i watch him and he doesn't know. but he has moved out into the outside cat run with esther. esther likes it out there cuz it is cooler and she can see what is happening out on the farm. but ii don't know why larry has moved out there...is it because with jenny gone, esther is now his companion of choice? is it because he likes being outside as much as he can in the summer months? is it because he does not like being in the house anymore?

it is the last one of course that i am afraid of because that means that larry is no longer completely happy here anymore. maybe he has had a chance to re-ponder his brief stay with colleen b..maybe he is thinking he chose wrong?

larry is the slowest thinker i have ever met...that dog thinks for a very long time. it doesn't mean he is stupid in any way cuz he's not, but he just likes to take his time in thinking things out.

and even tho i said before that maybe god closed the door between my brain and everyone else's for a very good reason, at times like this, a crack to peer into, might be a little bit helpful.

i adore larry...he makes me feel good inside...all i have to do is see him to get all happy and fuzzy...larry is one of my very special happy things so i obviously want him to stay with me.

but if saints in no longer larry's true happy thing..then i need to honestly look at that too.

so the first step i think is to get him into the vets for some poking and prodding and bloodwork. the second step is to quit being so distracted by my emotional bull crap and spend some more time with my friend. and the third step is to take that extra time and honestly try to peer inside of larry's so lovely but slow moving head. if that dog had a totem in life, it would for sure be the wise, old, and slow moving tortoise.

there is a family of crows coming for dinner here every night. i did not realize that 2 of them were babies (cuz they are just as big as their parents) until i saw mom and dad feeding them. and i was thinking when i was watching them...that if i have a totem..it is probably a crow. they can be obnoxious, in looks and life they are nothing special or noble.. a lot of folks do not even like them and think they are pests. but crows are tough little suckers without much fear of living a difficult life and they do pretty well at surviving. and now i know too that crows are not only very good at taking care of their babies, but they know where to find a good meal...the saints riding ring..or the mcdonalds drive thru..we have both of these places in common.
i bet my totem is actually a crow.

i would rather be a humming bird or a bald eagle.