the road to self-discovery

somethings are easier for me than others.

perdy's back end is totally gone tonight..i moved her in and out with a belly band because she could no longer stand or walk on her own. tomorrow i will dig out the hip lifters and we will try those with her for a bit. i am thinking she is not a good candidate for a wheelchair based on her age and personality. so now i need to think of and try out the options and see with support and the appropriate equipment for her... if perdy can continue to have a decent quality of life.

this is about problem solving issues for perdy...comfort, mobility, physical and emotional health with progressing and profound disabilities...and while there are parts of the issues that are black and white...there is a significant grey area too. but it is all...100% about perdy..meeting her needs as best as we can and if our best doesn't quite cut it for her...recognizing this and letting her go.

i was dreading switching back up onto afternoon shifts tomorrow...i did afternoons yesterday, days today and back up to evenings tomorrow..i freaking hate jumping back and forth between shifts in the week...it messes up not only my saints evening caregiving routines but it makes keeping the diabetics insulin times stable.... impossible.

BUT...now that i see how bad perdy is tonight, i am glad i will have the morning free to try to set things up more easily for her...i think the hip lifters will help..i think moving her into the entranceway will help even more as there are no steps for her and it is right next to the door.

BUT...it will make managing phoebe more difficult because she will have to be moved AND it will make getting all of the rest of this side of the house dogs in and out harder because perdy will be right in the way (perdy is not altogether safe with the other dogs)

BUT i think if i plan all of this well, we might be able to manage it ok..it is just making sure i consider each aspect and have a reliable plan of action for safety in place.

and this will take some deep thinking tonight.

these are concrete problems..these are problems with possible solutions thru trial and error. these are not problems that are personal but they are personal in the sense that all of us here love perdy very much and want whatever is best.

BUT..once again..it is about perdy so all of us will be on the very same page so the working this out will be done as a cohesive team effort.

not all problems are so easy (not that perdy's problems are easy but they are concrete and easily identifiable.)

i have been doing a bunch of head and soul searching trying to figure myself out.
i don't have a huge problem with not being perfect....i would like to be perfect but i am realistic about the chances of that. but i do seem to run into the same kind of problems, over and over again.

the problems i find the most frustrating and the most difficult (if not impossible) to deal with always involve other people. i am not great at not pissing people off and i am not great at smoothing things over once they start getting rocky. i make the same mistakes over and over again..trying to explain my perspective and where i am coming from which just makes everything worse.

anyway..today i decided to be proactive and in between answering the phones at work and putting out all of the individual health care fires....i did some research on the internet. i was looking at trying to define the issues...i was looking at some of the personality types and conflicts that appear in any workplace..i was looking at the things that really push my buttons and why and how i choose to react.

some of the stuff was pretty interesting..i learned that while i can be mildly passive aggressive on the very rare occasion, most times i am too self absorbed with what i am doing to bother...i am more likely to be reactive aggressive habitually...which basically means that when i get poked..i poke back pretty hard.

i would like to learn to be more like a duck in the water and learn to let things just roll off...less conflict, less turmoil...more peace and acceptence inside.

anyway..the point of all of this...i found this very widely used, standardized test called the "the emotional competency intelligence standing"...and i decided to find out how emotionally intelligent i really was.

i took the test three times...as three different carol hine's....and no i do not suffer from multiple personalities.

we all wear different hats in our lives and we are to a certain degree, different people with different priorities depending on which particular hat we are wearing at any given time.

now please understand... it is very easy to cheat on this test...simply answer #6 to every single question and you will be without a doubt emotionally brilliant.

anyway..i took the test the first time as my very best carol...i took the test as carol the nurse and answered the questions in relation to my professional nursing practice and how i relate and interact with my nursing patients/clients.
the second test i took as my second best carol....i took the test as carol the passionate animal freak and answered the questions honestly again..but this time in relation to my relationships with the animals in my care.
the third test i took as plain old carol hine...honest and sensitive human being that i am and i answered the questions in terms of my relationships with non professional patient and non passionate animal, human beings.

and holy shit did i blow myself away.

i scored highest in all areas consistently in my relationships as an animal freak.
i scored almost as high (but not quite) in my professional nurse emotional competency in all areas.

and i totally sucked the big one in just plain old carol hine...i did about the same as the other tests in..emotional awareness, managing one's emotions and self motivation...but i dropped big time down into the depths of.... "needs substantial developement"..in "empathy" and in "coaching others emotions."

one of the nurses at work today suggested that maybe this was because..once i am done giving to my animals and to my patients..maybe when i get to the plain carol hine relationships..maybe i have nothing left and i am just done.

i think it is more than that..i think that both nursing and animal caregiving while intensely personal for me..it is about my patients..it is about the animals...they both are my duty..my job.

but i think the plain old carol hine part of me is personally all about ME..not anybody else.

so here is what i learned today..i am emotionally competently intelligent in caring for both animal and human patients..but when it comes to personal stuff outside of actually caring for others..i am a total emotionally incompetent retard.

you just got to love the road to self discovery..it knocks you on your ass every once in awhile.