i watched "remember the titans" last night and i occurred to me that those racist folks did not know they were bigots...they were 100% convinced in their wrong thinking minds that they had the right of it all. it was the ones who doubted themselves and questioned what they believed, who in the end became the far better people...but the ones who shut themselves away in the dark so sure of their righteousness..they were the ones who lost in the end.
the rescue road is fraught with land mines of dark minded thinking....anyone who surrenders a pet is evil and wrong....my rescue way is the only rescue way...people who rescue as a huge part of their life must be a little bit crazy...and if someone does not like you and is lost in the darkness of their own negative rage will think it is perfectly ok to spew out slanderous and delusional toxic waste while they obsessively stalk you 24 hours a day.
i actually do worry about one day becoming a bitter and/or crazy or enraged bucket of toxic waste....i don't want to spend my life believing in trying to do good while the reality is i just cause more harm and pain. that would pretty much suck and be a waste of me and my life.
my greatest teachers in life have been watching those who i did not like what they did. i watched the selma riots on tv as a child and vowed never to be a racist. i watched burned out night nurses tell the weeping elderly to pee in their diapers cuz they were too heavy to lift onto a bed pan. i watched people in rescue be rude, aggressively obnoxious, i watched a few of them cross over the crazy line. and in watching... i learned exactly where i never wanted to go.
so i get caught up in these periods of self doubt and introspective thinking, where i try to find those seeds starting to grow. and the only way to dig them out is to accept my part of the responsibility in any of the bad things that happen in my life.
i make a lot of choices and decisions every day that i make because i believe it is my job. i believe that saints is my responsibility to keep safe and that i am supposed to be ensuring the animals and the people who come here are protected and well cared for.
sometimes the wrong people or animals come here...it doesn't mean they are bad or evil..it means that they just don't fit very well. .and that poor fit can cause a whole host of problems for me and for the others here..human/and or animal.
with the animals, i have only two choices...either find a way to manage them and whatever their issues are or put them down. these animals are here because they had no where else to go..so sending them out to nowhere is not a third option. most i have found a way to manage..a few i have not. and the responsibility and consequences for either decision are mine.
people are harder because i am the eternal optimist..the volunteers and BOD tell me i am too trusting, to willing to see the good and potential in folks..they say i give too many chances for those causing problems to mend their ways. they say i have to quit letting broken people inside our gates because the end will always be the same...eventually i will have to ask them to leave and when i do, sometimes what follows gets pretty nasty.
and people do tell me to watch what i write on the blog...that i open the gates for the stalkers to cherry pick thru to find ammo they can then twist for their use...to belittle me, to validate themselves, to cast doubt upon myself and saints as a whole.
i don't think i want to be afraid to be who i am..i think if i worry too much about not causing myself discomfort or pain..i think i lose a big part of me. i do try not to take in pain in the ass or dangerous animals and when i do..i have to deal with them. i do try to keep saints a place of peace and goodness..i think the animals and the humans here really appreciate that.
sometimes i let too many animals in, sometimes i let the wrong kind of animals and people in and it makes all of our lives here more difficult..and i apologize for this. but i am always afraid to shut the gate on that one animal or person who not only really needs to be here but who will flourish here and finally find some peace or hope or happiness in their lives too.
i built saints to share..to share with the animals..to share with those who want to come here..to share with those too far away to visit themselves.
i love this place...i want to share that too.... it is just sometimes i make mistakes so i share that too. but sharing does not mean i am giving anything away..,sharing means sharing not abdictating responsibility and ownership...that has never been up for grabs.
i need to be clearer in my figuring out my responsibility here..i need not to worry so much about conflict as i do need to worry about doing the best that i can. i am responsible for what goes on inside our gates...every single aspect is my ultimate burden to bear. so when things are not going very well..i need to find solutions to get us back on track...if the animals are stressed because i let too many in..then i have to find ways to reduce their stress til the numbers start going down a bit. if i let the wrong animals or people in then i have to find a way to deal with that too. doing my job does not make me crazy, it does not make me a horrible person..it makes me a person with responsibilities to fulfil.
i am always worrying about walking down crazy street but today this place feels right to me..this place feels good. the bigots i saw in that movie, the ones so sure in their heads that they were right..they felt anger, they felt fear, they felt violence and loathing..they blamed everyone else who did not think or feel the same..they did not feel positive, they did not feel good, they couldn't because there were dark and unhappy feelings spewing outwards from them.
i need to keep checking in on myself from time to time to look honestly at how i feel about my life...and the lives of those in my care.
i am the true barometer of my own personal life..i just need to take the time and not be afraid to read that barometer that is quietly sitting here.