to do this really well....the way it should be done....
Carol · Dec. 9, 2010
i would need all of the absolutely exactly correct answers to every possible thing either inside my head or at least at my finger tips. i have met those kind of people before and i don't like them all that much anyway...they usually make my life miserable as they wing their proclamations and judgements my way.
so i wonder if i had that kind of powerful conviction of absolute righteous knowledge would i use it for the good of the animals or would i use it to to make myself feel big.
i think doubt was created to keep the door to possibility open. i think open doors let light into our sometimes darkened brains.
but there are so many open doors and windows of doubt inside this unsure head that sometimes i have a hard time finding the actual walls that define who i really am.
larry slept ok last night, i checked on him half way thru. he is a bit congested again this morning so i am trying to figure out for him the best thing to do.
is it ok to be patient for a couple of days to see if the antibiotics will knock back any infection...is it ok to then try the steroids to see if they will help him.
if larry and sweetie and cliff are all going to die from their various dark diseases soon...should i even be trying to help them live a little bit longer if we can help them live a little bit better while they are still dying too.
and this is the problem...is that mass on sweetie's foot deadly or not? i am not going to know this til we actually cut the thing off. and once we do that...there are 2 possible ripples in that murky pond..either she gets better or she gets worse cuz that thing will either heal or it won't. and if it doesn't..i just made that foot of hers worse.
if larry's cancer has returned inside his neck and throat...how long can we even make him feel better for if we even can make him feel better for a while at least?
part of me just wants to put them both forever to sleep..i want to save them from the possibility of any real suffering. and part of me looks at them and feels that expectation in their eyes..that i am strong enough to follow thru for them to see the answers to their continued lives. all fine and good as long as i don't hurt them more in following thru.
cliff is easier...i know that there is a dying cat hiding behind his healthy cat look. i don't really have to find a way to change this outcome for him...experience has taught me there is no real answer for him. so for cliff i just patiently wait until he says he is tired and he says he just doesn't feel very well anymore.
but is there an answer for sweetie and larry...maybe not a permanent one, but maybe one that will last long enough for them to feel there was one?
it is a two edged sword of knowledge...thinking we know all of the right answers or knowing we know little or none.
i think one side of that sword is more comfortable to balance on but is that the right side to stake someone else's life on?
today i wish i had all of the answers..but not at the risk of having the wrong ones.