there are times i really don't want to be honest..not just with you guys, but with myself too.
Carol · May 12, 2011
there are times i just want to hide stuff or forget about something if i can..or even better find some way to justify, to deflect, to remove the ultimate responsibility i carry. but in the end...that doesn't seem right. if i royally screw up...small or big time..i better accept responsibility for it and learn whatever lessons i can.
herman's post mortem is back and he didn't die of anything they could find except for being too fat. now i would have said a week ago that fat in and of itself won't kill you...but a heart attack from being too fat can. but herman didn't die of a heart attack...apparently his heart was fine. everything was fine, except he was fat.
i will be the first to admit i am fat pig paranoid..i took a lot of unkind and unhelpful hits over petunia's weight which was far greater than hermans. but petunia actually did lose a bit of weight here...when she arrived her belly dragged on the ground and she did eventually achieve a good couple of inches of belly clearence and for me that was good enough. petunia was sick with cancer and getting old so i didn't want to push her around to make her move more.
herman was overweight when he got here too...but his weight really ballooned up in the past few months since wilbur arrived. and herman wasn't old and sick so i should have done something about his weight and i didn't and it is too fucking late now.
anyway...i will learn something from this...wilbur will not be allowed to travel down the same fat pig road. his diet will be carefully watched and monitered, we will ensure he gets out and moving around the fields and up and down the hills every day. we won't just let him scavenge in and around the barn looking for food everywhere.
and i fully accept there will be more hits coming from biting the bullet and admitting my part in his death..whatever, go to town, its not like i don't deserve it.
and to herman..i am so very sorry that i did not care for you very well.