Rescue Journal

there are times i really don't want to be honest..not just with you guys, but with myself too.

Carol · May 12, 2011

there are times i just want to hide stuff or forget about something if i can..or even better find some way to justify, to deflect, to remove the ultimate responsibility i carry. but in the end...that doesn't seem right. if i royally screw up...small or big time..i better accept responsibility for it and learn whatever lessons i can.

herman's post mortem is back and he didn't die of anything they could find except for being too fat. now i would have said a week ago that fat in and of itself won't kill you...but a heart attack from being too fat can. but herman didn't die of a heart attack...apparently his heart was fine. everything was fine, except he was fat.

i will be the first to admit i am fat pig paranoid..i took a lot of unkind and unhelpful hits over petunia's weight which was far greater than hermans. but petunia actually did lose a bit of weight here...when she arrived her belly dragged on the ground and she did eventually achieve a good couple of inches of belly clearence and for me that was good enough. petunia was sick with cancer and getting old so i didn't want to push her around to make her move more.

herman was overweight when he got here too...but his weight really ballooned up in the past few months since wilbur arrived. and herman wasn't old and sick so i should have done something about his weight and i didn't and it is too fucking late now.

anyway...i will learn something from this...wilbur will not be allowed to travel down the same fat pig road. his diet will be carefully watched and monitered, we will ensure he gets out and moving around the fields and up and down the hills every day. we won't just let him scavenge in and around the barn looking for food everywhere.

and i fully accept there will be more hits coming from biting the bullet and admitting my part in his death..whatever, go to town, its not like i don't deserve it.

and to herman..i am so very sorry that i did not care for you very well.

Comments

Nicole N

You don't deserve a single nasty word or any criticism whatsoever... and I think that you have an army of volunteers and people who read this blog who know how much you love, cherish and care for each animal at saints. We are all behind you 150%!!

Colin

Carol you are far too hard on yourself. You loved a pig like a child, I bet Herman considered himself quite lucky to have you. I wish everyone treated animals the way you do.

Maggie

We do the very best we can, minute by minute, day by day. That is all we can expect of ourselves otherwise we will go mad.
Be kind to yourself.

Brent

Carol, don't do this to yourself. My experience with Herman as a Sunday weekend warrior was taht he rarely got out of bed and when he did it was to poop in someone else's stall or to eat the remains of anothre critter's food. He was just a big adorable grumpy couch potato. At least that's how he was on Sundays. Now Wilbur is another creature entirely, he wants to get out and about and rumble around and cause havoc wherever he goes. I don't think you will have much trouble getting Wilbur on an exercise and weight loss program. I need to lose some weight too, maybe Wilbur and Little Big Bud and "I" can all do a Biggest Loser or Weight Watchers program.

suzanne

nobody hits a home run every time, Carol. nobody knows everything. you do so much for so many and have for so very many years, please don't beat yourself up for something you did not know.
Hugs to you, The Zig-meister, and Pops.

pam evans

giving you a hug Carol , all the way from Australia.