noelle slept most of the night. this morning she is awake and she is dying.
it is not imminent...she probably has a couple of days left for her body to go thru the process but i saw it clearly as i turned her this morning...this is an end of her life crises, not anything simple that can be fixed.
i think i knew it all along, i was just too fearful of being wrong to do the right thing for her sooner.
as i write this with tears of regret on my cheeks for both being slow to finally admit this and also in anticipation of losing her...i am figuring out the logistics of meeting her needs. i can't phone in to work..i am mentoring a new staff member, i have 2 VAC dressings and a bilateral unaboot dressing that not all of the nurses can do and i already know everyones workload today is too high to absorb the work i am scheduled to do.
what to do, what to do???
i think i willl take the van into work so noelle can be comfortably stretchered to be moved..., she actually doesn't mind car rides, she usually just sleeps. and at this point there is not much difference between resting and waiting in her room at home or resting and waiting in the van til i call and set up a time for her euthanization at the vets....she will be far more relaxed in the van than she will be if i just take her in and leave her alone at the vets until we synchronise her actual euthanization time. and i am sure they will find a way to somehow squeeze her in early this morning and she will be with me so i won't have to rush home and back which will eat up another hour back and forth travel.
renee comes in early today so she can help me load the stretcher and i can get to work early before the clinic even opens to quickly set up and gather supplies for today then i am prepared and ready for whatever time the clinic sets and can adjust my work visits around it.
i think this plan will work out ok for noelle which is my primary goal....i don't want her upset, or uncomfortable and i want her to pass as quickly and as easily for her as possible without a bunch of moves or rushing around. i want her to think we are just out for another boring car ride and then she peacefully passes away.
i love you noelle.
please god let everything flow gently for her today.