and since i have to get up in an hour for work anyway, i think i might as well quit trying and not get all twisted up about a lost nights sleep.
i don't know how to live in a fantasy land where i can construct walls to deafen the roar of reality. i don't know how to shift responsibility to blame or flip the switch to ignore.
it is like being a willow tree...in some storms i can flow back and forth with the wind, waiting for the storm to blow itself out, i clean up the fallen twigs and leaves and face the next day. but i can't pull up my roots and just walk away to a storm free zone down the street and then hike back up here to stick in my roots again when the sun comes back out.
trees aren't supposed to be able to wander around from here to there depending on the weather...they can get lost that way.
part of the reason i survive in rescue is..my roots go deep. attached to every root is a homeless animal. i make them promises..not for just a few weeks or months or however long is convenient but for the life of the tree. i stand with the animals who are like revolving rescue doors...puff daddy, phoebe, tristie, wills and lottie. i stand with the ones that no one wants to give a chance...ed, jesse, conan, shane and mac. i stand with the ones who thought they were rescued, only to find themsleves with hoarders in worse straits then before...the rock, tess, flora, papa john. and i stand with the ones whose feet are littered with well intentioned but broken promises...and i just can't break any more.
when did our sworn promise become open to interpetation and negotiation? when did honor and comittment become a chamelon in the beholders eye? when did words glaringly written in stone suddenly become conveniently non existent because they only apply to the rest of the world? when did right become wrong and wrong become right?
do you know why these animals are here? it is because humans can reason and think. we can always find a "but" ...an "or"...we can always find an acceptable alternative somewhere instead of just admitting we just ditched our responsibility or broke our word.
we are the higher species but the animals themselves practice loyalty, they live committment. they never search for or fabricate loopholes...they don't know how.
i didn't make this world for them...i did not line up the their broken dreams to live over and over in their lifetimes..i just saw they needed someone to stand next to them...so i stood.
and it is too freaking late to sit back down now.
hope you feel better soon, kim. we will be fine dont worry.