lucky was so utterly unlucky...blind, homeless, hypothyroid with an autoimmune disease that made her break out in bloody blisters in direct sunlight, she suffered from IBS/colitis and arthritis and lived these past 2 years with tumors in her lung and stomach. and yet, she was happy. she liked to rip the shit out of stuffies and loved to be brushed and she really loved to eat....anything... (remember when she ate all those rocks and needed emergency surgery??)
today was not the greatest of endings for her..i almost totally fucked everything up. last night she couldn't get up on her own and when i tried to help her, she tried to bite me. i thought she had just been laying on the hard floor too long and had irritated her arthritic hips. i did finally get her up and she stayed up to eat her dinner.
this morning we found her laying in her own urine and feces...again she couldn't get up and again when we tried to help, she started snapping. we could not leave her like that, covered in urine and feces so we muzzled her, got her up with a sling and she walked with support to the shower so we could get her clean.
i noticed she was having trouble breathing and her gums were pale so i figured one of those tumours was bleeding. we got her on a stretcher and i took her to the vets. on the way in i could smell blood and feces..i pulled over and checked her but she hadn't lost control of bowels but i knew then that she was having a major internal bleed. i could see how she was lying that she couldn't breathe well and she was definitely hurting. the vet did a rectal check and her rectum was full of feces and blood and her abdomen was tight and painful to touch.
and here is where i almost royally screwed up..the vet said we could do a needle aspiration into the abdomen and see if there was blood in there. in that one instant, i felt hope raising up..if there wasn't any blood, then lucky could possibly be good again so i said ok.
i don't know what the hell i was thinking, how could i possibly be thinking of sticking needles into the belly of a much loved and dying blind dog. that is not how our palliative animals pass away, i had lost my mind. thankfully lucky took matters into her own hands and when i went to help her lay down on her side for the aspiration, she with lightening speed and not one second of warning, bit me brutally hard.
i yelled fuck and i started to cry cuz it hurt so bad but at least it woke me up and brought me back to reality.
lucky was blind, she was scared, she was having trouble breathing, she was hurting, she had 2 tumors inside her, she was actively bleeding and i was 100% sure she was suffering while she was dying. why was i dicking around?
i said no i didn't want to put her thru this, i just wanted to let her go.
so i ran out to the car and got her sausage mcmuffin and fed her while the iv torb made her pain go away. she was asleep before she finished the mcmuffin and then we helped her to pass peacefully away.
ahhh lucky, i am so sorry that i lost sight of what you needed from me. rest in peace now and please remember the mcmuffin and not me being stupid.
love you babe.