murphy and angel

murphy came in as a very young kitten. he was a shorthaired tuxedo black and white. he came in with a severe and progressive seizure condition and he had already suffered some brain damage by the time he arrived. the seizures were awful and they hit him in waves. he would seizure for hours if i did not give him huge doses of valium, over and over, rectally. we tried every drug combo, his doses were so high and when he seizured and for several days after, he would be totally blind. ogidie and the fruitloops used to surround him when ever he was seizuring, they encircled him with their bodies to keep him as safe as could be.

despite the horrible seizures that could knock him flat for several days..muphy was a happy kitten, when he was well he was a love sponge with everyone and he loved to charge around and play. every time an attack hit him as i sat with him and gave him the tmeds...i swore that this was the last seizure he would ever have to go thru because i was going to euthanize him. but then he would start to recover and i just couldn't kill him when he had made it thru so he did keep on seizuring and i kept on promising what i was too weak to do.

the damage they caused was that he became progressively more innocent..more and more childlike even while he continued to grow, he lost more and more permanent vision and he also wobbled a bit when he walked. murphy was this absolutely sweet, sweet, innocent cat..he could not protect himself, he didn't understand about survival, he just cheerfully did whatever he wanted even if it was a really bad idea.

murphy was about a year and a half old when angel came.

angel came from a shelter on the island, she was probably bout 10 years old and looked like a lab/ collie or husky cross. she was a very sweet dog. she had been found by the side of the road with a bullet in her head, which took out her eye, her rescuers did not think she would survive. the vets were unable to remove the bullet,it was lodged too deep and was inaccessible. so they left it. even with such a very sad story, no one wanted to adopt her...she was old and big and hairy and black and she was missing an eye. so she came to saints.
now i wasn't stupid, i knew she had bullet in her head for a reason, she was found out in farm country and i figured she was probably killing something.

this was when we lived in the first little trailer and the dog room was seperated from the rest of the house by a railing and gate made out of close together spindles. the cats knew not to go in there cuz that was where all of the dogs were and none of the cats were stupid...except murph. i was always really careful not to let him roam around the house unless i was watching him cuz i knew he would try to get into the dog room, murphy never did think. if i couldn't watch him, i shut him up in my bedroom.

one day i got lazy, i wanted to have a really quick shower and murphy was sound asleep on my bed...my hands were full of pajamas, a bathrobe, and bath towels and i remember thinking i should go back and shut the door but i thought he would be ok for a couple of minutes because he was sound asleep.

i wasn't in the shower for more than a couple of minutes when i heard one single cry from him and i knew in my gut what had happened. i flew up out the shower and into the dog room and angel was standing above his lifeless body and she was wagging her tail and happy. there was not one single mark upon him but he was dead.

i picked him up and carried him outside and i cried with him in my arms for hours..it wasn't angel's fault..i was the one who had killed him with carelessness. i buried him that night under the first windchime tree. when we moved here i went back and dug him up and brought him here, i just could not leave him there.
he is now buried in the bottom field with wee hopeful bug.

for the next week, i tried to get another rescue to take angel on, i was too afraid to keep her. as a last straw i even tried best friends but no one would take her on. then one day duing that week, tang (one of the fruitloops) was walking past the railing, on the safe side where he was supposed to be..and angel's mouth snaked in between the spindles and she grabbed him by the head. luckily i was there to save him but he still has one of the scars on his ear.

that was it, i couldn't risk it again..i loaded her up into the car and took her to the vet and ended her life.
and i cried and cried and i sometimes still weep deep inside for my failure to both angel and murphy.