thinking about czar

i think czar spent the majority of his life lost in averageness. he was not strikingly showy, or particularly agile or fast. i think he was just an average-joe horse under a saddle. and i think because of this, czar probably was in quite a few more homes than most. i wonder over his 30 years how many people even remember actually having him? i bet he was purchased and passed on again so fast that he left not too many memories behind on anyone.

i find the possibility of this so very sad.

since he came to saints, czar obsessed over belonging. for a long time it was gideon he attached himself to. he had to be with him...he had to be near him and no one else was allowed to be near him too. i would watch when a new horse came in and gideon would want to make friends..but czar would drive the newcomer off or move gideon away. czar finally really had someone of his very own and he wasn't sharing.
i am not sure why czar suddenly transferred to flicka. but i think because he was so insecure in himself that when the opportunity arose, he wanted to bond with and be part of more power.
it is the whole herd heirachry thing.

when i looked at czar..i mostly saw his overwwhelming emotional need. i think he was a horse who had lived his life without feeling like he ever had anything.

i try to wrap my head around czar's perspective of suddenly turning on gideon, his once only good friend. i have seen the depths of horses loyalty and caring to each other, including right thru illness and eventual death. but i think maybe in czar's more emotionally barron life experience he never had the chance to explore those depths and discover what they really meant.

in the end, i think czar was a very good horse who had to live a lonely life. i think he struggled to feel he really and truly belonged anywhere in this life.

i hope where ever he is now..his heart is so full of how incredibly special he really was. i hope he is no longer worrying...i hope he believes that he does forever belong.