we lost 4 animals in exactly one week..mango, rocky, wilma and smokey..plus i was still wrapping my head around czar's sudden loss the week before, and i was worryng about the current sick ones on top of all of the regular stressful shit that seems to like to go on here...rushing around between saints, work and vets, a couple of hard to ignore relentless nutbars, short staffed days, no heat, no hot water, fishtailing down icy hills .... it is no wonder my blood pressure decided to blow. it really has been a couple of difficult weeks.
here's hoping it settles down around here for a little while.
it is fine to say take a break...delegate. but how do you take a break or delegate away the things you have no control over. i can't delegate the decision making of things like czar's accidental injury and ultimate death. i have to really struggle to figure out what is actually happening inside him and what is the right thing to do. i can't just shove that on other shoulders, hoping they figure it out correctly for him too. i cannot control or delegate the outcomes we suffer due to the weather or how many sick animals we have at one time or how many of my friends die every day. these things can't be put on hold while i take a break to catch my breath. some days..some weeks...some months...running a rescue is just really stressful.
but yes, i can take better daily care of myself..i can quit smoking, eat better, lose weight, maybe work outside of saints a little bit less. but i tell you what pisses me off...it is just four more things that i have to struggle to change and fix because i am the one responsible for everyone here.
it sucks and today, i resent this.