it wasn't such a bad night after all. odie finally laid down and slept around 11 pm...he was awake and whimpering again a couple of hours later so i gave him another tramadol and he slept til 6. i gave him his morning dose and now will try to keep him to every 8 hours which is how it is supposed to be given.
i found a soft cone for him in the shop. i keep putting it on, he keeps taking it off. but at least he is not biting me over it so that is ok. i should take the vet wrap off his leg from the IV but quite frankly i am afraid. maybe when i don't have such a headache, i will feel more brave.
i have decided to pull a scarlett o'hara and try not to think about fletcher today.
or maybe i just need to get it all out.
the thing about fletcher that scared me the most..was not so much the attack and refusing to let go. it was that i did not even exist. i beat that puppy on his head, i choked him til he had to open his mouth to breath again. i grabbed him by his life jacket and threw him hard to the ground, not once...but four times because he kept getting up and trying to go back at odie for more. he didn't even see or feel me enough to redirect and go for me...he saw nothing in his rage haze except odie.
he was a puppy fer chrissakes...he should have been terrorized and peeing himself at my feet but he wasn't.
i took him and put him in the pen in the shop while i took odie into the vets. when i came back i moved him over to the dog room with everyone else shut out. and while i certainly wasn't still angry with him...he wasn't afraid of me like he should have been...he had no memory that i was a danger to him and had beaten the crap out of him just an hour before. he was happy to see me. when he was in his killing zone...i did not exist. my violence towards him had not even happened...he had no memory of it at all.
when mo and i loaded him up to take into the vets..he was sweet puppy fletcher...laying his head on our shoulders, licking our cheeks. at the vets, he was so happy to see everybody. he hadn't a clue about what was coming...such a betrayal of him.
i have so much guilt over this...guilt that i have killed a puppy, guilt that odie was hurt, and here is the kicker...guilt that i am relieved that fletcher is gone. i have watched him these past two weeks like a ticking time bomb. the bomb exploded, it is over and done and now i can deal with the aftermath and move on.
i can list off the ones i have killed in my head...emmit, angel, bear, clyde, watson, and now fletcher...each with a horror story attached and each with my guilt that i can never forget.
it just fucking sucks.