can't sleep..too much shit going around and around in my head.
Carol · Apr. 3, 2013
i come from a socially conscious achievement driven family. my parents both had masters degrees..my mother dedicated her life to advocating for respectful care of the elderly, my father besides being a religous leader was also a civic leader. he was part of the civil rights movement... he walked in selma, the anti-war vietnam movement and walked in washington to stop the bombing of hanoi harbor. he also was part of the ordination of woman in the anglican priesthood.
one sister has a degree from prestigous cornell university, is a cardiac nurse and takes absolutely stunning, professional grade photos, one sister is a very accomplished artist, is a university professor with a PHD in education and is about as enviromentally green as can be and i am not even sure what my brother actually does..i just know he is a high up big wig in something to do with water and sustainability.
i come from highly educated, intelligent, socially, morally, artistically, enviromentally, politically, civic conscious family. it is a lot to live up to.
i am sort of the runt of the litter.
i know all of the things that i should be out there doing. i know all of the things that i personally should be changing. i know there is a whole big problem-ridden world out there that i am virtually ignoring.
i am not my family...i am not the least bit creative. i know pretty much diddly squat about politics and philosophy. i don't understand the intricasies of sustainability, of accountability, while protecting the environment for future generations...shit..i don't read newspapers or even watch the news on TV so i never know what is going on in the world around me.
i live a small life. i share my home with homeless animals. i work full time as a nurse. i squeeze in as much family time as i can between caring for animals and humans.
but i don't see myself as insignificant, nor is this life i have chosen, easy. i have sacrificed a lot. i can't even invite my family to my home and cook them all a sunday dinner. i can't fit a table and chairs in here, my stove is unplugged because the cats made it a fire hazard, and my home is overcrowded and unsafe for my very small grandchildren because i have biting dogs like odie, phoebe, jerry, and jesse here.
every cent i could borrow to purchase the animals a home has left me with a crippling mortgage of $2300 a month on my one single income until i am 67 years old...this makes retirement difficult. i have been bitten, and run over, and worked into exhaustion. i have been vilified, burned in effigy, thought to be crazy.i have been saint, devil, and incredibly stupid all in the very same day depending on who was judging me.
i am not whining here..i accept all of this as part of rescue. and what i do here..i mostly do quite well. so maybe it won't ever hit the history books, maybe it won't ever change something horrifically wrong in this world. maybe it is just not good enough for everyone..maybe i should and could be doing more.
but i am going to be honest here. every single day is a struggle to be the best that i can. being even the runt of my litter is hard for me...i have to work at doing good. i am not like so many others out there who know not only all of the right answers but can actually get to where they want to be. i am not sure how to get anywhere except to a bed and home and barn full of unwanted wrecked animals. i can find my way here without any problem.
i get that people have expectations of me..i have expectations of me too. but i have a hard time being me, i want to do more, i want to be better, i want to grow bigger..i want it all.
and the reality is...i am not ready. whatever it is that i need, whatever it is that i have to grow in myself to get there..just isn't here yet.
in the meantime, i will do my best with the animals here, i will do my best with the human patients under my care, i will do my best in any way i can for my family and one day..maybe one day i will be ready to do more.
i am not ashamed or unhappy or afraid of my limitations.i am not hugely disappointed in my life. i am pretty accepting of the reality that i am in fact an imperfect human. i do some pretty good work, i make daily life better for many animals and humans alike. ok so i am not doing it all but i ain't sitting on my ass watching soap operas and eating chocolates either.
but right now i feel unsettled inside....that is what happens when the big wide and complicated world comes slamming into my little and much simpler world...it knocks me off balance.
i don't like that...i need all of the balance i can get. it is the only way i can get thru the day.