today was a bit of a thinking day

I was fairly busy at work but when I had a spare moment, I was pondering what to do about preacher.
there is a reasonable possibility that the blood in his urine is from the frequent bladder expressing. it is traumatic to the bladder to be expressed several times every day.
i also noted when I was hanging out with him at the clinic yesterday, he was fairly anxious to get the hell out of dodge. I think he would like to put as much distance as he can between his bladder and helpful hands.

it is hard on animals to have a continuous series of unpleasant things done to them...even if those things are ultimately for their own good. so i imagine the long life ahead of a young partially paralysed cat and I wonder how he will feel about it? how will he feel about being held down and restrained for several minutes several times a day while a human squeezes his bladder to empty the urine from it. how will he feel about the periodic bouts of infection that he most assuredly will suffer that will require further treatment for the next 10-15 years?

how is he going to feel about humans poking and prodding and checking him out constantly..will he feel assaulted or abused?

yet how do I euthanize a vibrantly lovely, friendly, sweet natured, and very young cat? his continued living may to some degee suck, and frequently be unpleasant for him...but do I actually have the right to take that life as challenging as it may be... away from him?

what to do, what to do??

I talked to the vet and she said, if he had a home to go to where someone could concentrate solely on him and enjoyed being able to give him the level of care he required..well maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. but is it fair to consign him to a shelter, with very little possibility of ever being adopted into a special home of his own and have to tolerate continual assaults on his bladder?

sometimes I wonder..is any kind of life better than no life at all?

and how far is hope meant to float?

I don't know...I just don't know.

today we transferred preacher out of our clinic and over to a clinic specializing in accu-laser therapy. I don't know if a week of intensive daily treatments will help him. I don't need him be fully continent..i just need his bladder to be able to overflow if it does get too full. I think we both can live with his leaking, but
I honestly can't live with the possibility of his bladder rupturing if we get busy, distracted, turned upside down in some crises or I am late getting home from work....and neither could he.

I don't know what the future right or the wrong for preacher is...and I am not even sure we can actually financially afford this...I think this last shot at the quality of life pot is going to be painfully pricey.

I guess I am just really hoping that the laser treatments will help him just enough so I won't have to kill him and he can contentedly accept having his life spent here. we can find a way to afford that.
anything more would be a bonus...that would be great too!

please god...just don't let rescue suck for preacher....I want more for him than that.