pillow talk.

I don't always think clearly. when I am in the middle of stuff and feel surrounded and overwhelmed, I sometimes lose that ability not to internalize, not to make it about me.

its weird, cuz everything here is somehow about me, this is where I hang out and live. so when odie bites my leg, is it is about me..my leg is the one that got bit. but really? my leg had nothing to do with any of it. what was important was what was going on between odie and mystic at the time.

I think it was maybe 8 months...maybe a year ago, the last time I got lost inside the turmoil of me. I remember mo trying to be politically correct while on my case for being a bitch and crying, yelling and walking away. I was so mad at her for not getting "it"...how hard it was to be here every freaking, mind boggling, difficult day. I don't even remember what was going on back then that pushed me so close to the edge but there probably was a lot going on cuz I don't lose it when there's not much.

in any case, it wasn't mo who wasn't getting it. I was the one who was all messed up. I was the one wallowing in personal stuff.

if someone chooses to do rescue...at least to this extent...where every inch around you, every moment of every day, every breath that you take is filled with the needs/expectations of 100+animals, volunteers/staff, of the public...adopters, surrenderers, donors, vet clinics, other rescues/shelters...you might find yourself in the hot seat quite a lot. I think you have to learn a couple of things. one is to be a traffic controller, like thru highway construction zones. you need those stop and slow signs to prevent others from running over, thru or into a danger zone. the one holding the sign is not driving a car or running one of the big earth moving machines. she didn't set the time or the date of construction or even plan out the project initially. yet she is the one where motorists most vent their frustrations and angers at the delays. for she is the one holding the sign 10 feet in front of your face.

rescue is sort of like that...I didn't let these animals down, I didn't make them old or unwell, I certainly had nothing to do with who they are, or where they came from..my job is simply to hold up the signs now to keep them safe.

the other skill you need to develop is the ability to become a pillow. you need to be able to absorb the impact of lives and needs and expectations constantly running into you without falling apart.
this requires a bit of a distance between you and the oncoming force. somedays are easier than others to hold that pillow up.

it takes a fair amount of practice learning to be a walking shock absorber. on the days that you suck, you get knocked to the ground and then pick yourself back up.

I tell you, I tell me...over and over that rescue is not personal. it can't be about you or me.

easier to say than to do...easier to talk about that it is to live...but somedays I get there.

I think of that prayer...god give me the strength to change what I can and accept what I can't.
and I add to that...god give me the strength not to worry so much about who I am.

my job is to hold the pillow that surrounds the animals of saints.

a pillow is not personal...its just a pillow. but my pillow does have a name..."whatever."

whatever is such a good name...it is a safe place. it keeps me personally out of the fray.

I am hugging my pillow today.