you will have to bear with me, it has been a difficult month. I cannot turn off my head and I need to write it out.
I can work thru the loss of Gideon. I understand it. death comes to all of us at some point. I get it.
but there is other stuff going on around here that has been accumulating that is weighing me down.
guilt over brads hit on Gideon, lances hit on Elizabeth, and boomers hit on the classy chick.
there are worries involving the animals, and resentments, frustrations and anger over petty and pretty damn big shit that has been clogging me up. it sucks to continually keep the lid on emotional stuff..sometimes the pot just fills right up.
I don't think god ever intended me to be the love of anyone's life. I think he fashioned me to be an anchor in some of the storms of life. and I am ok with that...it has purpose and I am comfortable in the role.
and all of these years, I have been a pretty good anchor (a bit rusty and squeaky in places but still fairly decent)) until for ten minutes today, the chain that helped me be securely attached to this noah's ark...snapped.
I yelled (LOUD.) I swore (many times the F word spewed from my mouth.) I threw my cell phone down to the floor (and sadly the freaking thing did not break,) and finally, I sobbed. not nice little tears held in check by sheer will, but gut wrenching, heart broken gobs of gore.
it was pathetically disgusting, my loss of control.
for ten minutes I wallowed in the unfairness of it all. I lost faith. I lost faith in everything, everyone here....I lost faith in saints. but really? I think I lost faith in myself.
I have never lost faith like that before, not where I am turned inside out and lost in agonizing rage.
it pretty much sucked in every possible way...and the straw that broke the camel's back was a simple mistake.
I am sorry people saw it, I am sorry that I lived it but I am not sorry it happened.
finally, after all of these years, I spewed out all of the crap that has been clogging me up. I feel like I have rid myself of a giant toxic hairball that was choking me from inside. and I hope that when that chain broke, it re-grows a stronger tie.
saints is about the animals, their lives here and sometimes their eventual deaths. those are the things I can worry on, those are the things that I can seek answers to all of my questions. theirs are the problems that I am bound to try to find solutions and they are the ones whose lives I willingly share.
there are things that I can have control over, and there are things that are simply beyond me, trust me, some rescue shit is from outer space. and all I can do is to keep myself firmly anchored to saints as best as I can despite what storm blows in for as long as I am able and for as long as I am needed here.
and I have to have faith that what I do believe in, really does exist...even when the going is pretty fucking shitty.
anyway...one fully blown to shit gasket in almost 15 years, ain't such a bad thing I guess. I think I needed an oil change and a tune up to get me back on track.