I have been trying to come to terms with the loss of lance, its hard because I need to somehow separate him from mini me and all of my feelings for her.
I think I am getting there, I think I am closer to accepting lance's now and then.
whatever lance's life was before saints...before he was originally picked up as a stray....it instilled a deep terror of being left alone in him that over took him at times. lance had no more power against that all consuming fear then he would have had over a cancer inside him. when left alone, his terror ruled him.
I see the mistakes that I made that led to his eventual death and I understand that maybe I was as powerless in some respects as lance.
I am trying to remember just the loving and loyal dog who was so gentle and calm at my side. I am trying to see just the lance who ran and played with such joyful abandon inside my memories eyes. this morning I can see lance sitting in a deep hole and playing that silly game with his friends over and over. I see him running stretched out beneath the trees, playing come everyone, run and chase me. I see the perplexed look on his face when a fly landed on him somewhere and I see him taking his quick dips in the pond and just happily standing there.
lance has found peace. his past, his fears, his demons that tortured him so are left behind on earth.
I hope that what lance took with him from here were those memories of happiness, of being loved and cared for, of the kindness and understanding he found at saints. never once did he feel anything from us except a deep and loving commitment to do right by him, here he did find acceptance and love.
I am so grateful that from the moment I found mini, my thoughts were solely on her. and lance felt no accusations or anger or regrets directed at him, even after his death. I am so grateful that god has given me the strength to put my feelings in crises aside until after I have finished my job, which this time was to give lance an end that was peaceful and kind.
lance was a very good dog who sometimes tore himself up inside. he took someone I deeply loved from me but he left some important lessons and some beautiful memories behind.
I am not sorry I gave lance some happiness, some love, some fun here. I am sorry I did not understand the depths of his terror, but that fault wasn't his, it was mine.
my hope now is that where ever he is, at last lance has found his peace inside.
I love you lance...and I can feel your true kind and gentle light.
<a href="http://s779.photobucket.com/user/carolsaints/media/lance.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i779.photobucket.com/albums/yy78/carolsaints/lance.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo lance.jpg"/></a>