2nd, 3rd and 4th thoughts

I took owen out for a pee around midnight, checked him again at 2...and I finally felt more confident that this was just a simple not feeling good blip and not an end of life event. this morning he is sleeping peacefully and his breathing is normal.

I am most likely less sure of myself right now because of recent blow my world apart stress. there are times in rescue where we do lose confidence in our abilities. we do start questioning ourselves and our decision making is fraught with fear of making a mistake...even over seemingly simple things.

it is not that I over reacted with owen's being sick because he was very sick and I didn't over react....at 17 years old, that kind of fluid loss from repeated explosive diarrhea could easily take an old frail dog to the very end of his road. it is more that I was afraid that the reasonably cautious plan I had decided upon was too reasonable and cautious... maybe I should be letting myself shoot straight into panic.

in hindsight this morning..keeping a tight leash on myself was the right thing...if he hadn't improved? well I guess I would be beating myself up and thinking something different.

sucks to be sitting in the hot seat of decision making in rescue.

honestly...it is hard to be the buck stops here. I am caught in a trap. I can't be a panic'd flipper outter, even if I want to panic and flip out...I can't be totally 100% logical like mr. spock because with all of these ancient and sick animals.... I am emotionally involved and emotions can't be locked into the logical box.

so I try to use my head...my knowledge, my assessment and nursing skills...I try to pull in my gut which sometimes is nice and sees what my head might miss, and I try to keep a short leash on my fearful heart which just wants to take over the whole show and run like the wind.

some days it works, some days it doesn't...oh well, whatever...today? owen I think is better.