living and learning more about living and dying...sometimes it hurts.

daisy died exactly one month after arrival here. she came on nov 21st and left yesterday. I went back thru the blog to re-visit her journey...from the first day that she became ill until the day that she passed away.

five other saints animals died within the month that daisy was here...first was buddy (the little dog surrendered to the vets in such terrible shape who it was too late for.) I include him, even tho I never met him because he was for 24 hours under our care piling up $1600 in vet bills in an attempt to be able to help him and bring him here. there was ebony, granny, bonnie and daphne who all left us in the past 30 days.

it has been a tough month and I do have regrets.

I am ok with ebony and granny..i think they met their ends ok. bonnie, I think I gave up too soon on and daisy? maybe too late.

and I am not even going to talk about daphne, I miss her so much.

daisy has solidified for me the absolute need for us not to try to bring new cats into the house. the resident cats are immune to that virus that has embedded itself in here, but new, already old, and sick cats are not. we pulled max cat and orion and Passat thru it and I think we actually pulled daisy thru it if everything else about her hadn't crapped out. but the toll on her was too great.

would she have died soon anyway? sure she would have, she was palliative when she got here..but she wouldn't have felt like crap til she did.

I am not going to make excuses, I am not going to pretend. already sick people die in hospitals and extended care units from picking up virus' and bacteria every day..shit they die in their homes, they get exposed to the flu when their grandchildren come to play. elderly, immune-compromised beings of any species are at risk of picking up shit in shelters, in vet clinics, doctors offices, grocery stores, off leash parks, clinics and hospitals... where ever other sick beings may go.

this is an animal shelter with animals coming in from other animal shelters which have their own germs and virus's inhouse. our animals are always trucking down to the vets where there are other sick animals too. I know all of that. but I also know we have a very specific URI virus in the house back cat rooms that I tend to forget about because our cats are not sick. I need to quit forgetting it is there.

one of the other rescues had asked me several times to take in a diabetic cat, they are getting desperate and recently asked again. this time when I said no, it wasn't because we are still too full. it is because a diabetic has to be in the house so I can watch them closely and because of that virus, I am not bringing any more cats into the house. the house is now permanently new cat closed.

so I am feeling badly about daisy. not so much because she died, because she was going to die sooner than later anyway. and not because I feel she did not get good care here either, because I was right on top of that cat as soon as she got sick and I did ensure she got the care that she needed. and it is not because of how she died either, the last 48 hours when she became critical life or death, we did every responsible thing that could be expected of us to try to get her thru the crises. and I know how she spent her last 24 hours, mostly sleeping, occasionally purring except when she was being fed, getting fluids or meds, and I know this because we made sure our hands and eyes were always on her, helping her to try to feel better.

I feel badly for one reason only..because I brought her into the house when I should have left her over in the mp building that doesn't have an upper respiratory virus somewhere deeply hidden in there.

if daisy hadn't already been so near to the end, she would have gotten thru the virus and been immune like everyone else but that is not what happened.

and I am so sorry for this, had I thought sooner and better, daisy's death could have been different and I will not forget this.