cliff diving

i had to hook up the computer again because I have to watch flicka in the cameras tonight (her nose has been bleeding quite a bit today and the vets won't be out to see her until tomorrow.) anyway..erin can post about today at saints..i have other confusing stuff on my mind tonight.

we (as the board of directors) are looking towards the future which we absolutely must do. so we are in the process of developing policy and procedures, safety/emergency plans, a volunteer manual...you know the drill, every business, employer and non profit service provider has them...guidelines for just about everything to guide you thru just about anything.

and it is unsettling me.

I am a born again rebel, I march to my very own tune that I hear all alone in my head. I always try to do what is right and when I finally accept I haven't been doing right as well as I could, I really do try to do better. the problem for me with having rules is A. I too have to live by them and B..one day I may have to enforce them.

so fine.... miss margie marvel comes to volunteer at saints and 50 million times she leaves behind her open gates..most likely after the 20th time, I am going to tell her nicely that saints is not a good fit and she should move on to somewhere that doesn't have gates.

that is a safety issue..i have to keep the animals safe...it is a no brainer.

and then mr. marvin mudslinger comes and he doesn't like me at all and is saying not nice things about me to others in my home. so yes..this is my home and I can tell him he is not welcome here anymore because I do have a right to be treated with at least minimal respect in my own home. this too is a no brainer.

however...once mr marvin mudslinger leaves, what if he is really pissed at being asked to leave and starts saying mean or untrue things about me or saints out in the big world?

well if our confidentiality clause is in place and he signed it when he arrived..we could actually make him stop...that's the purpose of getting it signed.

and here is the rub...I don't want to make him stop...not my job to be super cop and tell people what they can and cannot say..esp. if it is no longer making me feel like the enemy in my own home. how much or little folks blabber on about me or saints if they are no longer involved here, is none of my concern. I really believe what my mother told me...that you can tell more about people by what they say about others than you can by what they say of themselves...so i think, well then ok...go ahead and let them.

i am a control freak in so many ways..but my control freak issues are centered solely around animal care, my home life and are only within these gates. i have no desire to write the holy bible for all mankind who was ever so lucky (or unlucky) enough to cross my path. just like i am not about to tell erin what she can and can not post..as long as she is honest and telling the truth, she can say whatever it is that she wants. the truth never really hurt anyone...(but untruths do.)

the current rules here are to keep the animals safe and to give me a little bit of emotional safety and peace in my home..i think that is fair. i haven't worried too much about anything else.

i also kind of like flying by the seat of my pants and meeting each new challenge and figuring it out on my own. not sure how well i will do with a rule book that spells everything out. the issue of course is i do have horse shoes up my ass..whoever comes after me, may not have that.

i was talking to jenn last night about the blog..she said whether i like it or not, it is a representation of saints. and this is why large animal welfare agencies like best friends and the spca work so hard to create a branding and marketing persona that is nonconfrontational, politically correct and easily accepted by all.

because she is my daughter, she understands me and she gets that i am more of a rebellious say it like it is, lay it all out there (even if i look like a nutbar, a bitch or a freak) and let the chips fall where they will. i LIKE the real life honesty in this..to me it just feels right.

i also really like doing exactly what i think is right even if no one else actually agrees. i have spoiled myself rotten in this!

but then i end up with the that horrible soul wrenching conflict..what works best for saints against what works best for me.

above all...i want the very best for saints but i want to have my cake and eat it too because i want this while still being true to me.

i don't know if i am capable of following policies and procedures, i don't know if i could sign a politically correct communication clause..oh. shit. duh. of course i can because i do it in my paid job all the time. will i do it here?...grhhh. i might have to...but...i don't want to. saints and the animals and the truth of it all are my passion. i don't want to squish my passion into a socially acceptable shoebox.

i want the freedom to cliff dive, hoping against hope that instead of hitting the ground and exploding like i most likely should..but instead i might actually soar to somewhere high and new. maybe it is stupid but my hope really floats for this opportunity to try to live well with absolute politically incorrect truth.

this just totally sucks....i LIKE living in today and screw tomorrow but now i have to also consider the future because i want saints to have a future when cliff climbing and diving carol is gone.

what to do? what to do???

this is the only place in the entire world where i really am NOT afraid of falling...and THAT is the real problem..a little bit of fear goes a very long way to keep what i love most in the world, long term safe.

big sigh...

hello future, here i (reluctantly) come.,,sorry if i look like i am dragging my feet!

i kind of feel like mystic would feel if suddenly she had to live in the real world with a collar and leash.

(oh AND this is not a dig at the board of directors...you guys are doing the very necessary and difficult job i asked you to do and i do truly thank you..i am just saying tho that this is hard for me because i LIKED being totally free and not having to answer to anyone except me...it was FUN.)