i apologise for the sparse blogs lately. most work days have been pretty heavy and busy...it's summer...nurses sick, on vacation, no replacements, lots of palliatives..sometimes up to 4 a shift. it can be emotionally draining. i find i seek zoning out in my off time and i need more sleep than i usually do. also i have been fussing lately over my retirement plan B since plan A did not go the way i wanted it to. retirement for me has always been a bit of a problem because my ex gets part of my pension and because all my personal, hard earned working money that i have and is likely to ever have... is wrapped up in the mortgage here. its not like i can retire and sell this place out from under the animals. they need it and i did buy it for them. so the very first plan has always been and will always be to leave this place to to the saints animals. scary because when i do eventually wear out...there would not be anything left for me.
retirement plan A was looking at future condo living...it actually was kind of a stupid plan because i don't think i would actually like living in a condo...too confining for me. but it looks like plan B is coming together...i squeezed a bit of equity out of my mortgage here and am in the process of buying a very small home that i can rent out for the next few years to cover the costs until i am ready to retire.
being scared is nothing new....everything about building and maintaining saints has been scary....so many precious and critical things on the line. but this was a different kind of scary because it not just about others and doing what was best for them...it also had to do with me which has never been a real priority. i will take huge risks for others but am really afraid to take them for myself. but the bottom line is...right now, at this moment..i am one of the biggest assets saints has. but realistically at some future point in time i will flip flop with age and become a burden to saints. an 8o year old wheeled walker bound carol with a hearing aid and an old fashioned, maybe slightly more demented brain is not going to be too helpful to saints. and what will they do? put me out on the street with no where to go? no they wouldn't. they would be too kind, understanding and most likely grateful for all i have done in the past. they would probably let me toddle around messing things up until i eventually passed.
just the thought of being this kind of burden, makes me feel sick. so i guess my retirement plan B is not just for me, it is also for a future of wellbeing for saints.
anyway....i am preoccupied and having trouble dealing with my fear of this new risk to me....carrying 2 mortgages so close to the end of my working career. the new risk i am taking is..."Holy Shit!"
i went looking for an inspirational quote to help me deal with my fear....and i found this...
"if your dreams do not scare you...they probably are not big enough."
my dreams have always been born from the needs of helpless and unwanted animals...i guess maybe this new one sort of is too.
whatever...i can make this second dream that is tied to the first dream...work. but i repeat...holy shit!
new cats in...
dude is a 9 yr old senior from another overburdened shelter who was not doing well. he is not eating and is frightened and i hope we can help him to come around.
pumkin is a 4 yr old orange and white tabby guy who slipped in as a referral thru one of my clients. his family could not keep him nor afford the spca surrender fee and had no car to get him there anyway so i said ok and picked him up after work to bring out here.
the new 20 year old cat whose name was dixie (which is odd because he is a male) has been changed to dixon because we already have 2 dixie's here. he is doing ok.
marvin, sydney, and fairlane have been moved into the medical/rabbit room and really like it in there. this leaves their small communal pen free for when the 2 new felv cats eventually get here.
shadeau and hollywood have been moved to the main mp communal room...not sure i like them in there because it is harder to keep an indivdual eye on shadeau who is a bit of a stressy cat. i might move them out again. we'll see.
gilligan is a total dork. he stands outside in the evening barking and barking and barking for no freaking reason. all of the big dog room guys are getting shut in early because that stupid dog does not know how to shut up. other than that he is actually doing really well. he is a very nice dog.
i think that is it for the recent updates..time to get moving around here now.