when she came in months ago..so sick and emaciated, close to deaths door..i thought ok, she is here now, we can fix this and help her feel better. and we did. sort of. we made progress, she put on weight, her blood sugars while not normal, came down enough that she felt pretty ok. she made the emotional adjustment to living here here and not on the streets. it was sad watching her progressively losing her vision, until finally she was fully blind, but Harley was a strong and positive thinker so she compensated and learned to see thru her ears and her nose...just a different way.
I know she was happy here, I know she knew she was loved and she loved right back. I know she was enjoying herself and had lots of fun. I know that Harley coming to us was good for her and good for us.
and I know I took her life somewhat for granted. I assumed she would eventually be stable and have her diabetes under control. I assumed that while her life may be shortened because the diabetes was hard on the kidneys of a very young dog, I assumed she would still have years with us because likely no one would ever offer her a home.
all of my assumptions were wrong.
Harley had exploratory surgery today and they found lymphoma of the kidney..one kidney was 4 times its normal size, the other kidney was tiny and nonviable so they couldn't remove the sick one as she didn't have a second one to take over. it was not pyometria which at least was fixable and offered some kind of hope, this offered no hope. I made the decision to not let her wake up again. she was so sick these past couple of days, I couldn't let her wake up with even more added post surgical pain, on top of already feeling like crap. I couldn't let her wake up only to end her life suffering even more. she deserved to be let peacefully go.
we didn't get to be with her as she passed away, we didn't get to say good bye...all we could do was still love her, knowing she was now gone.
when I got into my car to come home tonight, I could still smell the sweet, ketonic smell of Harley of the past few weeks, I started to cry as the wind flew thru the windows and slowly made her smell fade away.
rest in peace harley, I thought we could save you, I thought we could love you for much, much longer...love you and really missing you babe.