I am usually pretty good and keeping emotional things together...wasn't so great at it today.
I lost it the last time late this afternoon when I went to pick up max after work who was rushed into the vets with a fever earlier by renee.
I stupidly asked dave..he isn't going to die on me tomorrow? and promptly burst back into tears.
he did promise the suddenly sobbing crazy person that max would survive.
grhhh, god carol, get it together ok??!! how embarrassing.
here is the problem...when the saints animals die...we have done everything we can to the best that we could and I am smart enough to realize this.
but when my animals die, I am crippled with guilt because unlike every staff and volunteer here, at the end of my shift..i don't go home to my animals and spend normal time with them, do normal things with them...the saints animals or people need something, or the phone rings, the texts/emails questions/plea's/conflicts come and the brain boggles with sorting out issues and problems.
my animals get whatever they can get after me caring about 120 other homeless, sick, in crises animals 24/7.
and every time they leave me, I remember yet again that I ripped them off with rescue, year after freaking year, over and over again.
loss hurts, guilt fucking sucks.