this one is a little hard for me. i knew gary was most likely palliative back in sept. he was losing weight then so we did a dental hoping it would help him to eat. the vet told me at the time his kidneys were not good and that she thought there was something bigger like cancer going on but since gary was already old and frail and we were not going to fix a cancer if we found it, i decided to wait and see.
and here the thing while i was waiting, i wasn't really seeing. i knew gary was still losing weight and if he did have an underlying cancer, it wasn't surprising. i knew it wasn't something simple to fix like hyperthyroid because that wasn't an issue on his blood work. but i didn't really know if it was kidneys or cancer...i was waiting for him to start feeling sick or stop eating. he did neither, he just slowly faded.
and it took someone who hasn't seen gary for a while to get me to really look at him and holy shit he was wasting away.
we got him into the vets and the pathologist remarked on the bloodwork that the changes were consistent with gut tumor. i didn't want to put him thru upsetting diagnostics if he was terminal but i wanted to know if with a bit more supportive care, could gary feel better for awhile. the vet said gary was so easy to work with that she didn't think he would need sedation for xrays. so that is what we decided to do..xray gary on monday and then start making decisions.
except gary died here at home on his couch early saturday morning.
and i feel badly because gary never had a well thought out end of life plan..just my stupid wait and see with me not really looking and seeing, just superficially skimming
i feel like i did not really participate with him at the end of his life and i am filled with shame and regret.