trying to save paige.

this might be a bit of a long and rambling post so i apologise in advance. feel free to skip over it but writing it will help clarify some things in my mind.

we had a bad night last night..i fed paige and held her upright following for more than an hour but she regurgitated right up until midnight, over and over.
when i called to check with the staff this morning, things were not going much better. everyone was truly upset at the seemingly hopelessness of trying to save this babe.
no one wants her to suffer. no one wants her to die. and all of us are terrified.
what if she aspirates? what if she starves? how much discomfort does this wee baby feel while we struggle to help her survive?

it sucks, this fear of the unknown because none of us know. despite all we do, are we going to lose her or is there a chance that with the proper care and dedication, she might get to live?

you cannot hold this tiny, malnourished, 1.5 kg, sweet and innocent puppy and not feel not only your heart break apart but also a wave of fear that by trying to save her, we are prolonging the inevitable, maybe making things worse.

erin was close to tears. anne was close to tears..i didn't talk to renee but i bet she was close to tears too.

i phoned the vets and told them, we had a really bad night and this morning was not any better. we went over the things we were supposed to be doing...how to feed, how to hold, various tricks of the trade, all of which we were doing. i asked the vet..."what are her chances?" the answer was.."slim."

and i started choking up with tears too as i tried to articulate what i felt inside.

i said to the vet.."i don't want her to suffer but i also don't want to call it quits and just drop her because of fear. i want to know that we gave her a decent chance to be able to live"

i said my plan was to assign one of the staff to one on one care and for that person to get comfortable with feeding, holding, positioning and problem solving barriers to paige getting the proper care. i said that we would weigh her every day to see if she was improving nutritionally. i said that on saturday Dr Loff had said that when i am back to work and we do not have staff here..i would bring into the clinic and they would take care of her until i got off of shift.... that way he could reassess her and if we haven't made any improvement then i would know that this wasn't going to work and it would be best for paige to let her go.

Dr Whitley said it was a good plan and she totally understood the need to make certain we had done all we can.

this is not just about paige..this is about us too. never think for a moment that those of us who choose to rescue...don't choose to suffer too because we do.

it would be far easier to shed our tears, tell ourselves there is no chance, feel sad and let paige go. her life and the pain and fear that it causes us would be over in an instant and we would move on.
but my mind and heart says..."you don't know. you don't know that you guys can't pull it together and find something that works for her. you don't know that her demise is a far gone conclusion. you don't know how hard this babe will fight if she is able and she wants to live."

i don't know...i don't know.

i don't know.

i don't know if i am right to follow thru with my plan. i don't know if anything we do will help her to survive. and i don't know if she will die.

she was better this afternoon..anne got creative and her feedings stayed down.
such good news!

i am sticking to the plan..it is a reasonable and responsible one and it gives paige a chance.

as i type this she is sleeping on my lap. i tried to put her down on the bed at my feet so i could type more easily. but paige woke up, stood up on her back legs and started trying to climb back up over my knees.

and so she wins, she has my lap and she immediately fell back to sleep.

it is three days until saturday..who knows what those days will bring?
not me.

but at this one moment in time as i am holding this sweet and innocent baby who just regurgitated her 4pm feed on my lap....for a very brief second i felt hope and then she puked and i did not.

this is so going to suck...

we all love you paige.

you do your best about living. we will worry about you dying.

and i guess we will see.