there is so much more to rescue that long ago in my innocence i just never did see.
i have always been a worrier but now i worry about different things.
when i think about what i used to worry about, it always, somehow involved worrying about me.
did people like me, was i a good person, did i do a decent job in rescue, why didn't people understand me?
now i worry about other things, the animals, staff, volunteers, the occasional ugly underbelly of rescue, the political ideologies of flawed humans with power, climate change and how that affects our children's children, and i spend a lot of time worrying about the future of saints and how to keep it effective and safe.
bottom line? i am and will be fine. i have been very lucky in life..more than enough luck and good fate to last me til i die.
i don't know if this more global, less personal worry is such a good thing...me i have control over...everything else is just overwhelming.
for the last 2 nights in my voyages to and fro around here, i have stopped for a few seconds to look up at the clear night sky.
you should see the stars here...thousands of tiny brilliantly bright lights. without any effort, i can see the big and little dippers clearly outlined just beyond my reach. it is an astronomers dream.
sometimes when i am driving back and forth visiting clients, i pull onto a street and the views of the mountains are absolutely breathtaking.
and i think holy crap man, we are so freaking lucky to live in so much soul thumping beauty.
the other thing that has moved my soul to the brink of something just beyond my reach.... is the honor of caring for the dying. people and animals who are fighting their last battles, who have with grace and dignity surrendered to the inevitable and taken their last breaths on this earth...young, old, broken or whole, their journey beyond is soul bending.
i have gone thru long periods in life where my glass felt half empty but as i get older i realize that every single drop of life is so utterly precious, so incredibly unique that it is not half of anything. in and of itself it is totally complete.
i will probably never learn to not worry. true and altruistic zen is beyond me. but i am such a tiny spec in this universe of marvels...i have had such an incredible gift in sharing this life with others and in walking parts of it alone.
sometimes even the occasional darkness and silence becomes the music that feeds my soul.